I seldom complain. Please correct me if i do otherwise.
I have to admit though, that my tolerance for PHYSICAL PAIN is quite low. VERY low is more accurate.
I don't want to discuss about pain, let alone write about it. This is so because i don't like complaining. But i think this time, i need to acknowledge the pain i have been having due to stroke. Because i do feel that because i don't verbalize my pain and i muster the courage to bear my pain with poise and an occasional smile, some actually trivialize it and even wish they were in my place. REALLY!
Best for me is to hold onto someone every time i get pricked so i don't tense my muscles where they need to stick a needle. But with my right arm paralyzed, and the left arm being used for all the tests i am left UNABLE to hold on to something or someone to brace for the pain.
There was NO pain at first. Not even WHILE i was having the strokes. Paralysis made my right side, from my face down to my toes NUMB. TOTALLY. I often heard my Doctors say "zero" while they graded my response to stimuli every morning in the hospital.
Then the "jerking" started. Still no pain BUT the jerking almost made me crazy. My leg would jerk up bent in the knee and twitch INVOLUNTARILY and CONSTANTLY, like every 4 seconds. And it went on for daysssss. It made sleeping impossible to a point they have to give me sleeping aids so i can get some sleep. Without sleep, my blood pressure goes through the roof. And we knew what may come next if it happened way too often. The jerking happened MOSTLY during daytime thus, I was sleepless and tired at the end of the day while immobilized IN BED. The jerking eventually significantly decreased ONLY after around a month.
When I started therapy, my spirit lifted. I was moving and talking, though like a drunk toddler - unsteady and gibberish LOL. My right side's "feeling" slowly was increasing.
One of my most painful experience was when my right shoulder "fell". My Physical Therapy Doctor injected me with 100 units of botox that my muscles got too relaxed it can't "hold my shoulder". OMG the PAIN! The most painful i have felt in my entire lifetime! Worse than all my surgeries combined. Then she prescribed mega-doses of pain-killers that kept me "afloat" like a junkie for weeks. I am most grateful to my OT Ms. Khaye, and my traditional massage therapist, Aling Marvi for bringing me back.
My therapists said, men who had major strokes SELDOM recover from it due to their LOW tolerance for pain. Their words NOT mine. Now i understand why. STROKE IS PAINFUL. Not just for men, but for ALL who had major stroke. That is my assumption. I have yet to muster enough COURAGE to read a stroke survivor's personal account of their ordeal.
The first instant i awoke, EVERY after sleep, my body, specifically my right arm to my right leg, involuntarily stretches PAINFULLY. The pain is SEARING. Like a VERY intense leg cramp BUT up to my arm. Lasts about 15-20 seconds and leaves me breath-less and almost in tears everytime. This happened for almost two years. I think these are the times that pushed me to depression.
On top of these, my body temperature went awry in the most insane proportions, literally. Like my right side will feel very cold, while my left side feels like it's burning and vice versa. Most times, until today, my lower half feels cold and my upper half feels super warm. I also sometimes feel cold when it's warm and of course also the reverse.
Today, there is STILL physical pain. Mostly in my arm and leg muscles. BUT they are now tolerable. My pain now are comparable to minor cramps or a strong headache at most. And they don't occur as often as before.
I am not PHYSICAL pain-free yet. BUT i am grateful the worst is over. Well, that is the optimist in me speaking. 😉
"STROKE, Masakit Ha!"
noong una
walang ka-aray-aray inaatake na pala ako
kanang katawan ko'y namama-alam na
nakatingin lang ako, manhid sa nangyayari sa loob ko
aray, ARAY, ?!$&@#%}# AAARRRAAAYYY!!!
hindi ito biro ARAY!
hindi ko na yata kaya, ang SAKIT TALAGA!
tama na, tama na po, Diyos ko po, TAMA NA!
intindihin nyo naman ako
hindi na ako manhid, nararamdaman ko na
mula pagmulat ng mata, hanggang sa susunod na pagpikit
puro sakit, ang sakit ay puro, kelan titigil ang sakit
mula buto sa balikat, hanggang paypay
mula likuran, hanggang buong tagiliran
mula kalamnan ng braso, hanggang bawat daliri
mula kalamnan ng hita, hanggang dulo ng paa
sigaw ng buong kanan ko ARAY
daing ng buong kaliwa ko TAMA NA
paki-usap ng kabuuan ko UNAWAIN NYO AKO
please lang, MASAKIT HA!!!
- ldp21915
